


101 ways to kill Voldemort

by LABrats



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Warning for Bad Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-28
Updated: 2012-10-28
Packaged: 2017-11-17 05:00:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/547881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LABrats/pseuds/LABrats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry spend a while working on a list of ways to Kill Voldemort...wanna see?</p>
            </blockquote>





	101 ways to kill Voldemort

Harry stared at the parchment, with it's long list of ideas on how to kill Voldemort. Some of the ideas were...strange. But some were normal. Er. Harry had written ideas in his journal, but this list was finally compiled, and he was happy with it. Now just to start the ball rolling on them.

Hug him to death. (Harry had killed him by just touching Voldemort, when Voldemort was on the back of Quirrel's head)

Transfigure him into a fish. (If he doesn't have water nearby, it should kill him. Then again, it is Voldemort)

Turn his head into a watermelon. (Amusing. But might not work.)

Make him eat poisoned cookies. (But how do we get him to trust them? Could we make Narcissa say she made them?)

Give him a Puffskein (They're so cute, he'd have to love it. Then he'd explode)

Invite him to dinner (There are so many possibilities that way...)

Prank him until he gives up (The Weasley twins would be glad to try that one)

Cut off his head (Works most of the time)

Stake him in the heart. (Someone said he could be a vampire. He certainly spent enough time with them.)

Turn his robe into a pink shirt and leather miniskirt, then wipe his memories and put him in a red light district. (Harry blanched at the thought, Gods, that would be bad.)

Make him watch Barney. (That would drive him to suicide)

Make him watch teletubbies. (That would drive him to madness. Wait, he's already there.)

Sick the carebears on him. (that would be interesting to see, but may not kill him)

Send him a gun and say that it will grant immortality if he pulls the trigger with the barrel against his head. (He is obsessed with immortaility)

Send him a portkey to the bottom of the ocean. (He would be crushed. Sounds good.)

Change his robe into a poodle skirt and watch him die of embarrassment. (Bad images.)

Have a witch say that this kid is his, then watch him die of a heartattack when the kid runs wild. (Where could he find a witch with a young kid that could possibly allow this?)

Teach giants to breakdance and make them dance in Voldemort's camp. (How to survive teaching them though?)

Attack Voldemort with cheering charms and make him disband his army. (To many would be needed to make a dent.)

Have the Wizengamot declare him to be a foreigner and expel him from England. (He might catch wind of that, and stop it.)

Make him eat a permanent Canary Cream. (Can't, the fact that it's foodbased means that it will end by the time that the food is out of the body.)

Have Hermione ask him to marry her (Should be able to shock him to death)

Challenge him to pass a series of tests to be declared a Dark Lord officially. (He has the pride, but there is the problem about what could kill him.)

Send him a pipe bomb (Why didn't anyone else think of that? Then again, it could end up killing the owl, so he'd have to send it with someone other then Hedwig.)

Infect him with a deadly disease. (Muggles have plenty. Why couldn't the wizards do it?)

Use muggle chemical weapons on him. (Still, he might find a way past them.)

Trace the bond back through the Dark Marks and kill him. (Wouldn't Dumbledore have tried already?)

Make an illusion of himself for him to kill. (There can be only one! Well, maybe 2. What if the illusion joins him?)

Make him do his back taxes. (I've done taxes before. Horrible work...)

Tell him he accidentally married some annoying witch, when drunk, and make him live with her for 3 months while filing for Divorce. (Wouldn't he kill the witch though?)

Make him the tester for the Weasley twins (But he could get out...)

Tell him Harry Potter wants to be a Death Eater. (Should die of shock...)

Cast a spell to change him into a girl. (No, too horrible!)

Lock him and Dumbledore in a room without magic for a week. (Damn, even I'd kill myself.)

Give him laxative and attack him while he's on the toilet. (Too cruel)

Turn him into a fly. (He's annoying enough...)

Drop him in a vat of acid. (Then what would we do with the acid?)

Feed him polyjuice of a well known muggleborn/muggle and drop him in his camp. (The death eaters would kill him themselves. Nice...)

Ask Dobby to kill him. (It would work. He nearly killed me, and he was trying to save me.)

Lock him in a room with Lockheart. (No one would survive...)

Send him a poisoned cake. (How to get him to eat it though?)

Make him cast a spell with Ron's old wand. (Do they still have that?)

Make him slip on a banana peel. (Only happens in cartoons, unfortunately.)

Castrate him. (Won't kill him though.)

Partner him with Neville in potions. (Neville's doing a lot better now though.)

Make him do Hagrid's job. (He would probably just kill all of Hagrid's friends.)

Take him for a fashion makeover. (Interesting, not killer.)

Lock him in a room with Bellatrix on a love potion. (No, potion not needed.)

Turn him into a baby. (He could grow up the same way. Then we'd have to deal with it in 20 more years.)

Send a dragon towards him. (The dragon would just get loose and kill everyone.)

Set a basilisk on him. (He already dealt with one why would a second faze him?)

Tell him Slytherin left because he was in love with Gryffindor. (Not sure that it's really false...)

Wipe all his memories. (Would that work at all? Lockheart was still a...never mind.)

Make him grow hair then set it to change color every few minutes. (More embarrassing then killer, unfortunately.)

Challenge him to an eating contest. (He's a stick, he can't eat that much. And he'd want to win. Maybe Hagrid would be a good choice.)

Portkey him to a mountaintop way up high. (The lack of oxygen might kill him, but I don't think he'd take a portkey.)

Use tickling charms on him until he can't breath anymore. (That would take a while of charms.)

Put him in a dreamstate where he can conquer the world without us. (He'd break out.)

Put him in a dreamstate where things will shock him at every turn until he gives up and dies. (What would we shock him with?)

Turn him into cotton balls. (Can we do that?)

Turn him into a rat and feed him to Nagini. (That's just an ironic idea.)

Send Rita Skeeter to interview him with a Quick Quotes Quill. (He'd tear his hair out, but he'd still just kill her.)

Make him insult a hippogriff. (Wait, Malfoy would warn him. Stupid ferret...)

Use the switching spell on his lungs and plastic bags. (Does it work that way?)

Send him sherbert lemons until he kills himself. (The headmaster may have that many...)

Make him fly on a broom, then knock him off. (And how do we get him to fly?)

Tell him that black is out of Fashion, give everyone new robes, then set the fashion police on them. (Do the fashion police have a magic department?)

Use a spell so that any spells he does come out the wrong end of the wand. (Is there such a spell?)

Send him through the veil. (How?)

Roll him down a very large hill. (What if he stops himself?)

Get him high on weed, then let him overdose. (But I don't think Dumbledore wants to give up his weed.)

Get LSD and make him overdose on that. (Slughorn won't give it up though. I asked already.)

Feed him to sharks. (Where would we get a shark that would eat him?)

Drop a 2 ton safe on him. (He could avoid it...)

Paint Voldemort pink and hope he kills himself. (Sorry, no...)

Bodybind him and lock him in a room with teenage girls and magazines about Harry. (I hope there aren't any...)

Polyjuice him as Harry and lock him in a room with fangirls, without his wand. (Too cruel...)

Find a spell to make him so sunburned he won't move, then cut off his head. (Ouch, sounds like dark arts...)

Bring back some overbearing female relative of his to make him cower and return to the light. (I'd never wish that on anyone...)

Turn him into a baby and let Dumbledore raise him. (I am pissed at Dumbledore right now...)

Make him eat Hermione's cooking. (Well, she's getting better. The first tries would have killed him.)

Lock him in a room with Trelawny. (One more prediction of my death, and that won't be an option.)

Hit him on the head with a big rock. (Didn't someone already try that?)

Tell him that his power is leaking out his head because he's bald, but this will block it, and give him poison. (Would he accept that?)

Transfigure him into potions ingredients for Snape. (Snape would figure it out.)

Tell him that there is the secret to immortality hidden behind the painting of Sirius' mum. (It'd get rid of one of them, at least.)

Attack him with a chainsaw. (Doesn't have to hit much to cause a lot of damage. We can do it!)

Have Dumbledore explain his time with Grindelwald to him. (Never stay in a room with drunk Dumbledore again. EVER.)

Have Dumbledore come in as Santa on Christmas, he'll die of shock. (I'd die of shock...)

Wrap him up in ducktape then pull it all of quickly. (Ouch. Damn, Ouch. Ouch. I hurt just thinking about it.)

Find an elephant animagus to stomp on him. (Are there elephant animagus'? I'll ask Dumbledore. Maybe he's one. No...giant tortoise. Galapagos, I think.)

Cast a spell so he thinks he's pregnant, wait for the Death Eaters to die of shock, then attack. (To many of the light side would die also.)

Use our connection to wipe his memories. (Sounds like it should work, right?)

Levitate then drop him. (wouldn't he stop that?)

Cast a spell so he sings the Barbie song. Then he'd kill himself. (I don't know who wouldn't...)

Bind his magic. (Why hasn't anyone?)

Send him to live in Japan, where he'll kill himself out of frustration. (Or would he kill them?)

Ward the area around him so only babies can get in, then make the death eaters test it. (Poor babies.)

Lock him and Aunt Petunia in a room together. (Better make sure it's a clean room.)

Make Voldemort enter a poetry contest, so he shows his soft side and stops killing. (Does he have a soft side?)

Have Snape make a potion wrong, so it poisons him instead. (He probably makes his lackeys drink it first. Then he'd kill Snape. And that's not good...)

After accidentally turning it in inside a potions essay, he got the list back, with a note on the bottom from Snape.

'No need, he slipped on some snake skin and died yesterday.'

Harry frowned and glanced at the list later that night, then walked down to the dungeons. "Sir? Can we try to use some on Fudge?"

A malicious glint came into Severus Snape's eye, and he smiled. "100 points to Gryffindor for an Excellent Idea..."

A/N Do you know how hard it is to come up with this many ideas? I nearly gave up! But Voldemort has to die.


End file.
